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Andy: I'm much happier being Andy Botwin. Carefree soul, tasting all the low-hanging fruit life has to offer, lot less complicated, a lot more fun. Let the masters of the universe deal with all the climbers and their agendas, you know? With me, what you see is what you get.

Andy: Well, that's what we do. We fuck up. Then we try to fix it. Then we fuck up some more. And we do it the most with our family, 'cause that's the safest place to practice. But that's the shit that makes you a man. That and your haftorah.

Andy: It is a shockingly common occurrence in my life that women are gifted unto me, seemingly with very little effort on my part. And at a certain point, after the ludicrous bounty, you have to finally wonder, “why?” Is it because I'm so just baseline physically attractive? Debatable. More likely, it's 'cause of this – karma. I motherfucking earned it. I was the fecal molecule of a maggot 50 lives ago – 49 lives ago, a parasite on a sea cucumber – worked my way up from there, paying my reincarnatory dues – coral, an earwig, a sewer rat, a grackle, guinea fowl, clown fish, ocelot, eventually vaulting up the evolutionary chain to dog, but like a shitty small dog felled immediately by parvo or canine sids, monkey, monkey, down to otter, monkey, chimp, and then finally human! But – whops! Fuck! I'm a child sex slave and I live in a well. But in all these incarnations… I was good and kind and humble and accepted my fate patiently. So, thus, after an endless series of short, oft brutal lives, I was finally, finally, finally born as me – Andrew Botwin, effortless receiver of tail. It's just a theory, of course. But if it's not biology and it's not karma, then there is a puppet master out there who enjoys watching me get my freak on – and that would mean God basically – and I would have to rethink, well… everything.